Nullsphere

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats

Every time I lay a word on paper -or in electrons - I am laying down another little piece of my dreams, those realities that are yet to exist and may still vanish into the morning air. It’s getting more and more difficult to put words on the small realities that are threaded into the fabric of my dreams.

Over at Jolie NYC, I read a rather inspiring post about not leaving things for later. The author lost her mother not too long ago and is already dealing with the masses of things left behind by the recently departed. I, on the other hand, haven’t done that until a couple of weeks ago, where for the first time, I started putting away things that once belonged to my mother.

Her clothes, her tons of beautiful clothes, all stuffed in airless cupboards, never seeing the light of day until now. All of it, just a lifeless mass now that she’s no longer here to give it life.

And then I realised that I was just the same, amassing items for later use, in case of something. In case of what? What’s going to happen if tomorrow never comes? Are they going to be just regrets of a life not lived fully? I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the girl who could have been anymore. I’m going to be just who I want to be, when I want to be it. And it starts with a dress… and going for a drink.

There’s hardly a month that goes by where I don’t think about family. Or rather, my lack thereof. Apart from my parents and newly found half brother, I’m hard-pressed to even name a family member.

On my father’s side, it’s quite simple. The ones I don’t know are dead and the ones I do know are my father and brother. The crunch comes on my mother’s side.

You see, my mother’s family is rather extensive and for some reason, most of them are known to me only by the nicknames they gave each other (or my mother gave them). They’ve never showed any particular interest in me (I remember incidents relayed to me by my mother) or have prejudice against me for whatever reason. Now, the only cousin I was actually in contact with seems to disappear every time I try to contact her via chat… I know she’s busy with her new-found wife status but really, does it take that long to just say hi?

Well, whatever. It just makes me a little sad that I feel orphaned in (or rather out of) a family that large.